Sunday, January 31, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Foot pedal
to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her
what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and
pushed on” this foot pedal and nothing happened”. The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to
be the computer’s mouse.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Trouble with plane engines
out the window.
“Oh no!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft
was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - There are lawyers on the flight
to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still
going around passing out […]
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Answering machine message
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does…
Really Really Funny Jokes - Answering machine message
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave
a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to
you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering […]
Monday, January 25, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - The headlines
While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of
thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law
enforcement refuses to investigate.
On their last day on the island they happen into […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - Sleeping together
biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to
visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not
getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that
they might be up to […]
Friday, January 22, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Too Late For Happiness
Really Really Funny Jokes - Blondes’ Obstacle
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Floppy
A: A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
An archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Chasing PARKED CARS!!
A: Because The Keep On Chasing PARKED CARS!!
Really Really Funny Jokes - Spitting, swallowing and gargling!
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!
Really Really Funny Jokes - Jenny Craig and Mary Kay
A: They can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Bah Ram Ewe
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Really Really Funny Jokes - Stand Up
finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded
off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and
was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example
of him.
He said […]
Spliff Joke
and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions the patient’s
long-haired colleagues. ”So what was he doing then?” asks the physician.
”Acid? Cannabis?” ”Sort of,” replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing
his caftan. ”But we ran out of gear, so […]
Ride ‘em Cowboy!
stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the
crowd.
“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he
said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on
for […]
Meet Bubba’s Family!
Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a
babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart
alot.
My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says […]
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - The Penguin
Really Really Funny Jokes - Huh?
He found out it was a ‘rough toad to hoe.’
Really Really Funny Jokes - Donkeys’ Quixotic Journey
The Wiseass.
Really Really Funny Jokes - The Praying Parrot
One […]
Monday, January 18, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - A good chess player
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - I’ll use my seeing eye dog
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - Two fools are about to go flying
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - An amazing talking dog
Bartender:”Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man:”What covers a house?”
Dog:”Roof!”
Man:”How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog:”Rough!”
Man:”Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog:”Ruth!”
Man:”Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - A dog’s chalkboard assignments
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; […]
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - I’ll use my seeing eye dog
Really Really Funny Jokes - bear and a rabbit
Really Really Funny Jokes - Question and answer animal jokes
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - Three Legged Chicken
Really Really Funny Jokes - Run With Us
He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. “Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!”
So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: “Elephant, elephant, why do you do […]
Really Really Funny Jokes - Dogs ‘n Light Bulbs
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You […]
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Supernatural Power
There was this case in this hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?
So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.
Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil…and they waited.
8am, the patient was still alive…
8.30am…still breathing…
Just before the ‘cursed’ time, the door to the ward swung open…
Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!
Really Really Funny Jokes - Sinking ship
Left on a sinking ship were the Captain and three sailors.
The Captain spoke first. “Men, this business about a Captain going down with this ship is nonsense. There’s a three-man life raft on board and I’m going to be on it. To see who will come with me, I will ask you each one question. The one who can’t answer will stay behind. Here’s the first question :What unsinkable ship went down when it hit an iceberg ?”
The first sailor answered, “The Titanic,Sir.”
“On to the next question: How many people perished?”
The second sailor said, “One thousand five hundred and seventeen,Sir”
“Now for the third question,” and the Captain turned to sailor number three. “What were their names?”
Friday, January 15, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Family problems?
The Indian man said to the American,”You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.
We call this arranged marriage.I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love…I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”
The American said, “Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
“After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems.. ? !
Really Really Funny Jokes - Anagrams
The last one tops the list!!!
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I’ve received in a while.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN
MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Speeding Ticket
Really Really Funny Jokes - Robbing a Liquor Store
Really Really Funny Jokes - Joy Ride
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - Guns for Hire
Really Really Funny Jokes - To Do List
Two men escaped a prison in Vermont. When they were caught in New York City, they were found with this To Do list:
- Drive to Maine
- Get safer place to stay
- Buy guns
- Get Marie
- Get car in Dartmouth
- Do robbery
- Go to New York
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - He Broke Into Where???
You really have to wonder about this one. Why would a thief break into a courthouse? I guess when you're drunk, your judgment is a little off, to say the least.
This guy pried open the sliding door to the courthouse and broke into the safe in the lobby. The only problem was that it's an antique safe and there was nothing in it. It was there only for display. In fact, it wasn't locked because the lock was broken.
He was caught when he again tried to pry open to door to get out. He was back inside the same courthouse a few hours later where he was arraigned on a charge of second degree burglary.
Really Really Funny Jokes - Too Dumb to Be a Thief
Monday, January 11, 2010
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Or: It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
Or: It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.
Funny Jokes
The friend says, "What's wrong?"
The hydrogen atom replys, "I lost my electron!"
The friend says, "Are you sure?"
The hydrogen atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive."
The friend laments, "Oh, I thought you were just being negative again."
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Really Really Funny Jokes - IRS Agents In Heaven
Just ahead of them were two clergy, but St. Peter motioned them aside and took the internal revenue into heaven at once.
"Why them ahead of us?" the surprised religious leaders asked.
"Haven't we done everything possible to spread the good word?"
"Yes," said St. Peter, "but those two IRS agents scared the Heck out of more people than you ever did!"
Really Really Funny Jokes - 64 And Pregnant
A few months later she got pregnant. She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, “why don’t we just talk awhile.” As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby...She said "we never get a chance to talk, and her is our chance to catch up!”.
Finally they insisted on seeing him. She said, “well, we’ll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him”. The women were puzzled. And she said, “ I don’t remember where I put him”.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Disorder In The Court #2
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Really really funny jokes A Police
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Having arrived at the edge of the river
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Really really funny jokes
This guy needs a job and decides
really, really funny jokes
Really funny animal jokes
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Really Funny Pilot Jokes
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
An accident affair
Software Girl
EVER LOVE A SOFTWARE GIRL ....
Never marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U ..
Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.
Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.
Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.
Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.
Never marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.
Never marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.
Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.
Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles ..
Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY
MARRY A GIRL FROM A "HARD"WARE FAMILY, THEN...........................
ARNOLD SWARZENNEGER
weddins
Getting a Tattoo
RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN
AFTER RECIEVEING 50 ORIGINAL SONGS THEY CANT CHOOSE WHICH ONE THEY WANT TO RECORD
SO INSTEAD THEY COVER HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME:)
Breaking bones
Monday, January 4, 2010
Albert Einstein
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!”
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman [...]
Student – Arizona Cardinals Fan
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Pittsburgh and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she’s a Steelrs fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Steelers fans. Everyone in the class raises [...]
Funny Joke
house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next
door was cutting his grass at the same time.
“It’s punishment for skipping a day of school,” he explained.
“But why are you still doing your folks’ yard?” “Because I once cut a class when [...]
Funny Joke
“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith.
“You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.”
The factory owner said, “I’d still like twenty customers like you. [...]
Funny Joke
Weight, Please
A women, not known for her patience, would often complain about
the long delay she always endured at her doctor’s office. One day,
when her name was finally called, she was asked to step on the
scale.
“I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.
Without a moment’s hesitation, the women replied, “One hour [...]
Funny Annulment Joke
THE ANNULMENT
Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been together for thirty-five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole town gasped with amazement.
A date for [...]
Funny Joke
Good News Bad News
A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife:
“Honey, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First, the good
news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay!”
His wife said: “$25,000.00 in severance pay? That’s great! Now,
what’s the bad news?”
He said: “Wait till you hear what was severed!”
Funny Doctor Joke
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous
specialist.
“So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the important doctor.
“My local General Practitioner, Dr. Smith.”
“Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what
sort of stupid and useless advice did Smith give you?”
“He told me [...]
Funny Joke
Priorities
I’m not afraid of dying, but I sure hope I
use all my vacation days before it happens.
Funny Joke
Daytime Television
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and
was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television
here?”
“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in
our cells and don’t see any television.”
“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice [...]
Funny Courage Joke
Courage
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his
university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write
an essay on the topic, “What is courage?”
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally,
he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of [...]
Funny Jokes
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. [...]
Funny Jokes
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
Funny Jokes
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of them when we were getting born.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Funny Jokes
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.
The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says, “Perfect. I always dreamed of [...]
Funny Jokes
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of [...]
HOLY HUMOR – Satan
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had [...]
Babysitting Jokes
A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back.
At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It [...]
Funny Jokes – The First Kiss
might come to mind: Is it the right time?Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
AND,—Should you use some tongue? Then you say . . ..
‘What the heck!’ and Just Go for it!!!
Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a [...]
Breaking the Speed Limit
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there [...]
Funny Jokes – Razorbacks and Marines
RAZORBACKS
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet
under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: ‘Nice pigs, Sir.’
The President replies ‘These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator [...]
Funny Jokes – PRAYER POSITIONS
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman could [...]
A Day in Court
Funny Quotes
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very
high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its
14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge.
The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, “Has the
jury reached a verdict in this case?”
“Yes we have, Your Honor,” the [...]
Valentine’s Day Jokes – Valentines Day Jokes
Here are two places you can find them – so you don’t have to search. You can just click the Valentines Day Jokes links below.
Valentines Day Jokes
Valentines Day Jokes – Valentine’s Day Jokes … Valentines Day Jokes. Q: What [...]
Toy Cars
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has
the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy
is playing with.
“Do you have a drivers license?” asks the father.
“No,” says the boy.
“Are you resisting arrest?” he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, “No, but I’m not sleepy at [...]
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel. One of them
said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a
rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis [...]
Call Back Later
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a woman that [...]
Classes for Men
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JANUARY 25, 2008. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with
Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for [...]
Humor and Funny Jokes – Letter from the Tooth Fairy
Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a [...]
Funny Jokes – The Happy Wife
friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every
morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make
her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to [...]
Fire wagon
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. [...]
Funny Jokes – Funny Quotes – The Flying Blonde
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The
stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn’t have a first
class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in
first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The stewardess [...]
Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with
you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. [...]
Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Close shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The [...]
Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – New Chainsaw
A fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut
down some trees in his back yard. He goes to
a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I
have a lot of models, but why don’t you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and
get the top-of-the-line model. This [...]
Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Surcharge
I’m the office manager, I put up a sign that read: “If you
are grouchy, irritable, or just plain mean, there will be a
$10 surcharge for putting up with you.”
Clearly some people took the sign to heart. That same
afternoon a patient came to the counter and announced,
“The doctor said [...]
Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Commute
Mrs. Pauly noticed he was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey,
are you feeling all right?”
“Not really,” Pauly replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward
on the train.”
“Poor dear,” Mrs. Pauly said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for [...]
Funny Jokes – You know you’re from Tennessee if
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
3. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You [...]
Tax Joke
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
Funny Jokes – Marriage Jokes
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.
“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re
90.”
Funny Jokes – Reunion
A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high-school
alma mater.
Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status – Not good
Wife’s Name – Plaintiff
METHODIST SQUIRRELS
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the [...]
Fire wagon
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. [...]
Computer vs. Cars
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a
recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with
technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got
1,000 [...]
Golf Jokes
Life’s Imponderables
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new [...]
Funny Jokes – Birth control pills for granny
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the
young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she had a prescription for [...]
Prepare Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
“Open one of these each time you run into a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, [...]
Male/Female Comprehension
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……….The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male………Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s
partner.
Male……….Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with
the boys.
4. COMMITMENT [...]
Widower Lawyer
that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D.,
Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should
cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left
out the phone number!”
A novice in the computer field
with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure
how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most
reassuring voice, she said, “The computer wants to know what your name
is,” then she walked over to [...]
Hiccups
the pharmacist. “Do you have anything for hiccups?” he asked.
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on
the shoulder.
“Did that help?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” the startled man replied. “I’ll have to ask my wife.
She’s waiting in the car.”
Community Service
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern.
“Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he [...]
What is an Antique?
threw out, and you are now buying back.
Things Mom Would Never Say
2. “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
3. “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look
more cheery.”
4. “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another
week.”
5. “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll [...]
What goes around
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for [...]
Funny Jokes – Proverbs for a computer
2) The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4) You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5) Great groups from little icons grow.
6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7) In some places, C:\ [...]
Funny Jokes – State Mottos
Funny Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than
Your Honda
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s
Don’t Own It Yet
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our [...]
Twins
of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look
like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”
Putt, Putt
confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood
and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he
instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The
golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy [...]
Funny Jokes – The family dog
every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her
plate and held it up for him.
“Speak!” she said to the dog.
The dog says, “Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!”
Funny Jokes – The lengthy sermon
A preacher noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his
message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
‘I went to get a haircut,’ was the reply.
‘But,’ said the pastor, ‘why didn’t you do that before [...]
Funny Jokes – Pragmatism
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right [...]