Sunday, January 31, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Foot pedal

An exasperated caller to a computer Tech support couldn’t get her new computer
to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her
what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and
pushed on” this foot pedal and nothing happened”. The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to
be the computer’s mouse.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Trouble with plane engines

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked
out the window.
“Oh no!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft
was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - There are lawyers on the flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew
to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still
going around passing out […]

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Answering machine message

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does…

Really Really Funny Jokes - Answering machine message

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave
a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to
you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering […]

Monday, January 25, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - The headlines

A pair of biologists is studying terns on a rock island just off the coast.
While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of
thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law
enforcement refuses to investigate.
On their last day on the island they happen into […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - Sleeping together

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two
biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to
visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not
getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that
they might be up to […]

Friday, January 22, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Too Late For Happiness

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late..

Really Really Funny Jokes - Blondes’ Obstacle

What is it that prevents Blondes’ admission to College? - High School!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Floppy

Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

An archeologist?

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Chasing PARKED CARS!!

Q: Why Do Bulldogs Have Flat Faces?
A: Because The Keep On Chasing PARKED CARS!!

Really Really Funny Jokes - Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

Q: Whats the difference between a crush, lust, and love?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

Really Really Funny Jokes - Jenny Craig and Mary Kay

Q: Why can’t lesbians be on a diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A: They can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Bah Ram Ewe

Why did the ram fall off the cliff?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.

Really Really Funny Jokes - Stand Up

A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon,
finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded
off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and
was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example
of him.
He said […]

Spliff Joke

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local emergency room
and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions the patient’s
long-haired colleagues. ”So what was he doing then?” asks the physician.
”Acid? Cannabis?” ”Sort of,” replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing
his caftan. ”But we ran out of gear, so […]

Ride ‘em Cowboy!

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a
stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the
crowd.
“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he
said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on
for […]

Meet Bubba’s Family!

Hi y’all…muh name id’s Bubba and dis is muh fameily:
Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a
babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart
alot.
My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says […]

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - The Penguin

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - Huh?

Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch?
He found out it was a ‘rough toad to hoe.’

Really Really Funny Jokes - Donkeys’ Quixotic Journey

Who do donkeys journey to the top of the mountain to see?
The Wiseass.

Really Really Funny Jokes - The Praying Parrot

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.
One […]

Monday, January 18, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - A good chess player

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - I’ll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - Two fools are about to go flying

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - An amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender:”Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man:”What covers a house?”
Dog:”Roof!”
Man:”How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog:”Rough!”
Man:”Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
Dog:”Ruth!”
Man:”Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - A dog’s chalkboard assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; […]

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - I’ll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - bear and a rabbit

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says “I will grant each of you three wishes.”The bear says “I wish all the bears in the forest were females.” *poof* It’s done.The rabbit says “I wish for a motorcycle.” *poof* […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - Question and answer animal jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - Three Legged Chicken

A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn’t cause an accident with the chicken.The man sped up to 55 miles […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - Run With Us

One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.
He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. “Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!”
So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: “Elephant, elephant, why do you do […]

Really Really Funny Jokes - Dogs ‘n Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You […]

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Supernatural Power

There was this case in this hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?

So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.

Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil…and they waited.

8am, the patient was still alive…

8.30am…still breathing…

Just before the ‘cursed’ time, the door to the ward swung open…

Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!

Really Really Funny Jokes - Sinking ship

Left on a sinking ship were the Captain and three sailors.

The Captain spoke first. “Men, this business about a Captain going down with this ship is nonsense. There’s a three-man life raft on board and I’m going to be on it. To see who will come with me, I will ask you each one question. The one who can’t answer will stay behind. Here’s the first question :What unsinkable ship went down when it hit an iceberg ?”
The first sailor answered, “The Titanic,Sir.”
“On to the next question: How many people perished?”
The second sailor said, “One thousand five hundred and seventeen,Sir”
“Now for the third question,” and the Captain turned to sailor number three. “What were their names?”

Friday, January 15, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Family problems?

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American,”You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.
We call this arranged marriage.I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love…I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”
The American said, “Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
“After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems.. ? !

Really Really Funny Jokes - Anagrams

The last one tops the list!!!
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I’ve received in a while.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Speeding Ticket

A driver was speeding and was unknowingly caught in a speed trap that measured his speed with radar and photographed his car. In the mail, he later received a ticket for $100, along with a photograph of his car. He sent the ticket back with a photograph of a $100 bill. He then received a letter from the police department with a photograph of hand cuffs. He paid the ticket.

Really Really Funny Jokes - Robbing a Liquor Store

A man decided to steal some beer from a liquor store. He got a cinder block, went to the store, lifted the cinder block over his head and threw it at the window. The cinder block bounced back at him, hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. The window was made of Plexiglas. The whole thing was caught on video tape.

Really Really Funny Jokes - Joy Ride

Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on. They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency lighting locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - Guns for Hire

"Guns for Hire" is a company which stages gunfights for Western movies and for other events. One day a woman called and asked if she could hire them to kill her husband. She was sentences to 4 ½ years for the request.

Really Really Funny Jokes - To Do List

Two men escaped a prison in Vermont. When they were caught in New York City, they were found with this To Do list:

  • Drive to Maine
  • Get safer place to stay
  • Buy guns
  • Get Marie
  • Get car in Dartmouth
  • Do robbery
  • Go to New York

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - He Broke Into Where???

You really have to wonder about this one. Why would a thief break into a courthouse? I guess when you're drunk, your judgment is a little off, to say the least.

This guy pried open the sliding door to the courthouse and broke into the safe in the lobby. The only problem was that it's an antique safe and there was nothing in it. It was there only for display. In fact, it wasn't locked because the lock was broken.

He was caught when he again tried to pry open to door to get out. He was back inside the same courthouse a few hours later where he was arraigned on a charge of second degree burglary.

Really Really Funny Jokes - Too Dumb to Be a Thief

The police had no trouble finding this thief. When he used a stolen credit card to buy some cigars, he signed his own name on the receipt. Later he tried to buy some merchandise at a store, but the card came up as stolen. When asked for some identification, he presented his own driver's license.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Or: It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.

Or: It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

Funny Jokes

A hydrogen atom is walking down the street with a friend when he suddenly stops.

The friend says, "What's wrong?"

The hydrogen atom replys, "I lost my electron!"

The friend says, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive."

The friend laments, "Oh, I thought you were just being negative again."

Really Funny Jokes

What happens when electrons lose their energy?

They get Bohr'ed.

Really Really Funny Jokes

What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?

Fission chips.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Really Really Funny Jokes - IRS Agents In Heaven

Two income tax collectors died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Just ahead of them were two clergy, but St. Peter motioned them aside and took the internal revenue into heaven at once.

"Why them ahead of us?" the surprised religious leaders asked.

"Haven't we done everything possible to spread the good word?"

"Yes," said St. Peter, "but those two IRS agents scared the Heck out of more people than you ever did!"

Really Really Funny Jokes - 64 And Pregnant

A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with invetro fertilization. He said, “you’re a little old, but I guess we could give it a try”.

A few months later she got pregnant. She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, “why don’t we just talk awhile.” As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby...She said "we never get a chance to talk, and her is our chance to catch up!”.

Finally they insisted on seeing him. She said, “well, we’ll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him”. The women were puzzled. And she said, “ I don’t remember where I put him”.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Disorder In The Court #2

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

******
Really Really Funny Jokes - Read Really Funny Jokes.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Really really funny jokes A Police

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Having arrived at the edge of the river

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Really really funny jokes

This guy needs a job and decides

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

really, really funny jokes

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

Really funny animal jokes

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Really Funny Pilot Jokes

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

An accident affair

Judge”You say it was an accident that you shot your wife?”. Defendant:“Yes, your honour. She got in front of my mother – in – law just as I pulled the trigger.

Software Girl

EVER LOVE A SOFTWARE GIRL

EVER LOVE A SOFTWARE GIRL ....

Never marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U ..

Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.

Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.

Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.

Never marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.

Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles ..

Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY


MARRY A GIRL FROM A "HARD"WARE FAMILY, THEN...........................

ARNOLD SWARZENNEGER

IF ARNOLD WAS A MATH TEACHER WHAT WOULD HE BE? A DENOMINATOR OR A NUMERATOR.....

Why i didn't want to clean

I am so lazy the only thing i can do is poo and pee and eat

weddins

i used to hate goin to weddins all the old grannies would poke me saying "ur next" but they stoped when i started to say it to them at funnerls

Getting a Tattoo

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'

RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN

CHRIS BROWN AND RIHANNA HAVE GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER AND DECIDED TO DO A SONG FOR WHICH ALL PROCEEDS WILL GO TO A WOMANS ABUSE CHARITY

AFTER RECIEVEING 50 ORIGINAL SONGS THEY CANT CHOOSE WHICH ONE THEY WANT TO RECORD

SO INSTEAD THEY COVER HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME:)

The Tomato

Why was the tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing!!!!

Breaking bones

A women went to the doctor and said "I broke my leg in two places." The Doctor says, "Stop going to those places.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” the man answers “241.”
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!”
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman [...]

Student – Arizona Cardinals Fan

Student – Arizona Cardinals Fan
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Pittsburgh and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she’s a Steelrs fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Steelers fans. Everyone in the class raises [...]

Funny Joke

Even though I’m well into my 30’s I still stop by my parents’
house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next
door was cutting his grass at the same time.
“It’s punishment for skipping a day of school,” he explained.
“But why are you still doing your folks’ yard?” “Because I once cut a class when [...]

Funny Joke

A factory owner said to a store owner, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you.”
“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith.
“You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.”
The factory owner said, “I’d still like twenty customers like you. [...]

Funny Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Weight, Please
A women, not known for her patience, would often complain about
the long delay she always endured at her doctor’s office. One day,
when her name was finally called, she was asked to step on the
scale.
“I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.
Without a moment’s hesitation, the women replied, “One hour [...]

Funny Annulment Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
THE ANNULMENT
Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been together for thirty-five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole town gasped with amazement.
A date for [...]

Funny Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Good News Bad News
A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife:
“Honey, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First, the good
news: I got $25,000.00 severance pay!”
His wife said: “$25,000.00 in severance pay? That’s great! Now,
what’s the bad news?”
He said: “Wait till you hear what was severed!”

Funny Doctor Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous
specialist.
“So who did you see before coming to me?” asked the important doctor.
“My local General Practitioner, Dr. Smith.”
“Your GP?” scoffed the doctor. “What a waste of time. Tell me, what
sort of stupid and useless advice did Smith give you?”
“He told me [...]

Funny Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Priorities
I’m not afraid of dying, but I sure hope I
use all my vacation days before it happens.

Funny Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Daytime Television
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and
was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television
here?”
“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in
our cells and don’t see any television.”
“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice [...]

Funny Courage Joke

#jokes #funny #comedy #humor
Courage
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his
university. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write
an essay on the topic, “What is courage?”
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally,
he scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of [...]

Funny Jokes

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. [...]

Funny Jokes

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

Funny Jokes

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of them when we were getting born.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Funny Jokes

Three wishes
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.
The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says, “Perfect. I always dreamed of [...]

Funny Jokes

Something to think about before your next flight.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of [...]

Funny Quotes – Insults

There goes the famous good time that was had by all. – Bette Davis
Award Code

HOLY HUMOR – Satan

HOLY HUMOR – Satan goes to Church
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had [...]

Babysitting Jokes

Babysitting – Babysitter Jokes
A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back.
At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It [...]

Funny Jokes – The First Kiss

The First Kiss It’s your First Kiss and several questions
might come to mind: Is it the right time?Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
AND,—Should you use some tongue? Then you say . . ..
‘What the heck!’ and Just Go for it!!!

Thelly, the Storylady, Cardiff by the Sea
For a [...]

Breaking the Speed Limit

Breaking the Speed Limit
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there [...]

Funny Jokes – Razorbacks and Marines

Razorbacks and Marines

RAZORBACKS
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet
under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: ‘Nice pigs, Sir.’
The President replies ‘These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator [...]

Funny Jokes – PRAYER POSITIONS

PRAYER POSITIONS
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman could [...]

A Day in Court

A Day in Court
Funny Quotes
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very
high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its
14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to
deliver its verdict to the judge.
The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, “Has the
jury reached a verdict in this case?”
“Yes we have, Your Honor,” the [...]

Valentine’s Day Jokes – Valentines Day Jokes

Lots of people are visiting here and searching for those really silly Valentine’s Day Jokes for kids.
Here are two places you can find them – so you don’t have to search. You can just click the Valentines Day Jokes links below.
Valentines Day Jokes

Valentines Day Jokes – Valentine’s Day Jokes … Valentines Day Jokes. Q: What [...]

Toy Cars

Toy Cars
A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has
the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy
is playing with.
“Do you have a drivers license?” asks the father.
“No,” says the boy.
“Are you resisting arrest?” he asks.
The boy hesitates before he says, “No, but I’m not sleepy at [...]

The Brothel

“The Brothel”
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across
the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel. One of them
said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a
rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis [...]

Call Back Later

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that her battery was run out, so she instructed her son to use his phone to pass along an urgent message to daddy, who is at work.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a woman that [...]

Classes for Men

CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS.
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY JANUARY 25, 2008. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with
Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for [...]

Humor and Funny Jokes – Letter from the Tooth Fairy

Dear _________________ :
Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children’s teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a [...]

Funny Jokes – The Happy Wife

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only
friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every
morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make
her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to [...]

Fire wagon

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Quotes – The Flying Blonde

Funny Quotes – The Flying Blonde
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The
stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn’t have a first
class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in
first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The stewardess [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

Funny Jokes – LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with
you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Close shave

Funny Jokes – Close shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – New Chainsaw

Funny Jokes – New Chainsaw
A fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut
down some trees in his back yard. He goes to
a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I
have a lot of models, but why don’t you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and
get the top-of-the-line model. This [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Surcharge

Exasperated with obnoxious patients in the clinic where
I’m the office manager, I put up a sign that read: “If you
are grouchy, irritable, or just plain mean, there will be a
$10 surcharge for putting up with you.”
Clearly some people took the sign to heart. That same
afternoon a patient came to the counter and announced,
“The doctor said [...]

Funny Jokes – Funny Joke – Commute

Pauly came home from his first day commuting to work into the city.
Mrs. Pauly noticed he was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey,
are you feeling all right?”
“Not really,” Pauly replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward
on the train.”
“Poor dear,” Mrs. Pauly said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for [...]

Funny Jokes – You know you’re from Tennessee if

You know you’re from Tennessee if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
3. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You [...]

Tax Joke

Funny Jokes – Tax Jokes – Tax Forms
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

Funny Jokes – Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes – Marriage Jokes
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.
“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re
90.”

Funny Jokes – Reunion

Funny Jokes – Reunion
A friend of mine is responsible for alumni relations at his high-school
alma mater.
Last fall, a member of the Class of 1986 returned the standard alumni
questionnaire with this response:
Marital Status – Not good
Wife’s Name – Plaintiff

METHODIST SQUIRRELS

There were four country churches in a small Arkansas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the [...]

Fire wagon

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. [...]

Computer vs. Cars

Computer vs. Cars
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a
recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with
technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got
1,000 [...]

Golf Jokes

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, [...]

Life’s Imponderables

Life’s Little Questions…..
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new [...]

Funny Jokes – Birth control pills for granny

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the
young doctor looked through the list, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she had a prescription for [...]

Prepare Three Envelopes

Prepare Three Envelopes
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
“Open one of these each time you run into a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, [...]

Male/Female Comprehension

Words with Two Meanings…
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……….The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male………Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s
partner.
Male……….Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with
the boys.
4. COMMITMENT [...]

Widower Lawyer

A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see
that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D.,
Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should
cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left
out the phone number!”

A novice in the computer field

A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented
with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure
how to get the computer going.
The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most
reassuring voice, she said, “The computer wants to know what your name
is,” then she walked over to [...]

Hiccups

A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with
the pharmacist. “Do you have anything for hiccups?” he asked.
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on
the shoulder.
“Did that help?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” the startled man replied. “I’ll have to ask my wife.
She’s waiting in the car.”

Community Service

One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern.
“Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”
“Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he [...]

What is an Antique?

An antique is something your grandmother bought, your mother
threw out, and you are now buying back.

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
2. “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”
3. “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look
more cheery.”
4. “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another
week.”
5. “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll [...]

What goes around

Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a
very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for [...]

Funny Jokes – Proverbs for a computer

1) Home is where you hang your @.
2) The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4) You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5) Great groups from little icons grow.
6) Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7) In some places, C:\ [...]

Funny Jokes – State Mottos

Funny Jokes – State Mottos
Funny Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than
Your Honda
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s
Don’t Own It Yet
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our [...]

Twins

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest
of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”
The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look
like?”
The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.”

Putt, Putt

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a
confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood
and a putt to me.”
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he
instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The
golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the
caddy [...]

Funny Jokes – The family dog

A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at
every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her
plate and held it up for him.
“Speak!” she said to the dog.
The dog says, “Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!”

Funny Jokes – The lengthy sermon

Funny Jokes – The lengthy sermon
A preacher noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his
message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
‘I went to get a haircut,’ was the reply.
‘But,’ said the pastor, ‘why didn’t you do that before [...]

Funny Jokes – Pragmatism

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right [...]

Really Really Funny Jokes

Great collection of really really funny jokes. All about really really funny jokes, really funny clean jokes, really funny short jokes, really funny quick jokes.